I'm going through yet another night where I have all kinds of crap going through my mind, and it prevents me from falling asleep for a couple hours. I figured I'd type some of it out. Maybe it'd help.
As some of you know I deleted my FB account a few months ago, but I never fully explained my reasoning as to why. For one, I got tired of friendships being ranked on how often I liked or commented on someone's status, photos, or wall posts. It's as if the experiences themselves that friends share aren't as important as how much attention the photos or words exchanged receives online. And the statuses (God statuses) were another big reason. I got tired of seeing a status, usually negative ones, posted that was aimed toward a specific person (but the person's name is omitted of course). They usually consisted of, "If someone does this then blah blah blah something mean" or "You did this to me so blah blah blah." In some cases, since it was sometimes people I personally knew and spoke with I sometimes felt like one was aimed at me every now and then for something I did or didn't do. I mean, if you have a problem with someone, why not just talk to the person about it instead of posting it in a status on FB? It just leads to people feeling uncomfortable, and then others who comment on that status in support of the person who posted it either may not even have a clue as to what the whole situation is or they feel that if they don't comment on it than that person who posted it will think badly of them. It just doesn't make sense to me.
I will take the time to admit that I am guilty of commenting on statuses such as these out of that stupid fear. I will also admit I feel wrong in doing so. At least I consider myself coming to my senses about this subject.
Another reason I got rid of it was because over last fall and spring semesters I was asked numerous times to join the English department's "Greek" organization. I had no intention of doing so because I don't like sororities or fraternities. No offense to anyone who was/is in one; I know some really awesome people who were active in them. They're just not for me. But anyway, I was asked constantly both in person and on FB to join, and I didn't want to. Over spring semester I noticed that there were a few people who used to speak to me that, since I refused to join, wouldn't even give me a glance or say hello anymore, yet they would still send me messages and event invites on FB for their organization stuff. It was just so strange, yet kind of funny, how differently people in college or university will treat you if you don't want to do something like that. Well, it just further proved my point of why I wanted nothing to do with "Greek" life. So yeah, I was tired of dealing with that online.
Another thing was getting friend requests from people like ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriends or vise versa (one in particular with me). That was a big puzzler to me. I mean, why? We've never spoken or known each other...what? I wasn't going to communicate with this girl to do things like bash talk the guy we used to date, especially through something like FB. It would have been awkward enough just talking with her since from what I understand she hated my guts in high school. Once again, it just didn't make sense.
Family was another reason, specifically my immediate family. I would sometimes use FB to post things that were on my mind (I learned to not do that as often either as I got a lot of flack on occasion for giving an opinion), and some of them were things my family is not aware of about me, particularly my mother. My parents are squares, to put it bluntly, and they are not as accepting of everyone as they think they are (but that's a different story). Not that I don't love them. I just can't even talk to my own family about some of my beliefs and points of view. When my mom created an account, something I never thought she would do, I had to go through my things and get rid of stuff that would start something not-so-nice. She got quite angry when she looked at my boyfriend's account when he had one (he got rid of his the same time I deleted mine, on his own choice). They differ in political parties, and apparently that's a major problem. After a while I just got rid of having to worry about what she would see or read, so that also led me to my decision about getting rid of that account.
So yeah, there's probably more, but I'm getting tired. My brain does not function well when I'm tired, lol.
Other than that, when I'm trying to go to sleep I tend to have really pessimistic thoughts about myself, my personality and such in particular. I've always been that way, and I haven't figured out why yet. I worry about what people I know think of me, and I tend to feel like I just don't do things correctly....or something like that. It's not easy for me to put into words. I have done some not nice things to people (nothing super drastic or just out of the blue) in the past when I was younger, but I learned from those mistakes. I was kind of stupid when I was young, but if I weren't then I wouldn't have learned. I suppose over the years I've striven to completely banish that ignorant part of me and now I worry more often, and it prevents me from even speaking my mind on trivial matters sometimes.
Religion is another thing I've been thinking about (and here I go with something I personally believe, let the worrying of others' opinions begin!). I went to church today to appease my mother, as I usually do whenever I go. I can personally do without going to services (I've had all of my "spiritual," I guess you could say, experiences outside of being in a religious house). I don't feel right being in that kind of atmosphere, especially when there are people there who think I'm something I am not. I don't like the fact that I was baptized when I was a baby, when I wasn't able to make the choice for it to happen for myself. I do believe there is some kind of being up there, not necessarily guiding me along some destined path to a specific salvation as told by specific religious functions, but merely letting me live and learn and better myself. Helping others is nice too. I'm always up for that. All in all, I'm not a fan of organized religion. For me, I like believing in something how I choose to. I'm not trying to tear down religious establishments or the thought of them or anything of the like. There are some functions that aggravate me more than others, but people will believe what they want how they want. I've decided to keep those even more personal opinions to myself, as there really is no point in complaining about them. My mom would probably want to kill me if I ever spoke of these things to her. It'll happen someday though. Just not anytime in the near future.
O.k., I'm going to sleep now. Think of me what you will. I'll worry about it later.